Yeah, today I am going to write about pregnancy. I am far from it. I don't plan on having another until my ass is happy with someone and Gunner is a good age. Financially stable as well. As I write this. Do not drink anything. (it'll spray across your screen.) Do not piss your pants. (I don't need that, actually... go ahead.) MORE HUMOR FOR ME :)
No one gave me a damn manual when it came to looking like a beached beluga whale with the world's biggest blessing growing inside of my belly! :) Now, I gave birth in July. It was 115 the day before I popped. I would walk around Bricktown with Gunner's sperm donor, bouncing, in labor every single day for two weeks! I even bed rid myself for two days. I couldn't take it anymore! I wanted to meet my little man. I was in labor for 4.5 hours. Jackson women are made for having kids. Not the 10 pant sizes I gained in my hips. Oh baby bearing hips. More like a cruise ship would sink if they hit my thighs!! I didn't even want them telling me how much I gained anymore. I would step on and cover my ears. I didn't start really showing until 7 1/2 months but still. That awkward are you pregnant or just a fat kid who loves food so much stage was not pleasant.
The day we found out isn't how everyone else finds out or wants to. Sitting there anxiously or worried looking at a stick covered in your urine. No. It was Kylie, you blacked out, stopped breathing, and I rushed you to the ER, because you fainted twice. Oh. I had a cyst the size of Mt. Rushmore burst on my left ovary. My body couldn't handle the pain. So, there I went... They took urine specimens and blood, Came in all nonchalantly and said, Ms. Jackson you are pregnant. I gave her the look of WHAT THE HELL?! And glared down Douchenugget. I was happy, nervous, scared, nauseated, excited, angry, and shocked. The RN had the audacity to ask me, Would you like an abortion? We can perform one here. I WANT TO KEEP MY CHILD. You sure? Yes, I am sure. What the hell kind of question is that? It is Hawaii after all... Matt went out and smoked about a pack of cigarettes why I sit there staring into oblivion wondering when and where. Then My OBGYN. Dr. Shimomura (coolest dude on island!) Took me up to ultrasound to make sure I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. Told me how far along I was, and the date I got pregnant. I literally looked at Matt, jaw open and said, I know what day that was. I drank enough to make my birth control not work. I don't remember getting home from the bar hopping. Our roommate TJ told me I was stupid to keep a baby and think of adoption or abortion. I was too young. Yes, 20 is young. I was ready. I made the decision to keep the biggest blessing in my life. I look at him now as he is laying on his Lightning McQueen couch/bed thing. I wouldn't change him for the world. The terrible two stage is driving me nuts sometimes. But, I love him to death. I don't regret any decision with Gunner. He has made me a better human being. I grew up and know he is my number one priority.
Now, you go home beaming with happiness and call everyone. I called my mom, there was silence on the phone. I awkwardly said, I'm sorry? I don't know what to say... 2 weeks later... she was stoked! Now, not everyone was excited. Some people wanted us to come drinking and partying. I would decline and go to sleep.
No one tells you that you are narcoleptic as shit, hungry like a 15 year old boy hitting puberty, and your nose will bleed randomly and uncontrollably. I ate enough food to make the sailors in the household wonder where I stored it. My boobs, my thighs, and obviously my child.
You read the book "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and wonder who the fuck came up with some of this?! How in God's name was blowing air into your vagina from getting oral can kill your child. or How a turkey sandwich from Panera Bread might make you sick and harm your baby. Guess what? I ate Panera Bread. Don't care. I was pregnant. I will do what I want. No sushi or some catfish. I am not that stupid. I swear that book put me on edge. I would measure out 8 oz of oj and drink only that 8 oz a day. I stopped drinking Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper. No coffee, which seemed to kill me. I was tired ALL THE TIME! I still am. haha.
Some people vomit at the smell or site of something. Oatmeal. Yup, oatmeal, looked like Oliver Twist's meal every single day. Yuck I still have issues wanting to eat it. Broccoli. Eff you. I will not even say the word. Green tree of death is more like it. I never once was visiting the Porcelain God though. Just felt queezy. :)
Now you can either look adorable or like a 75 year old woman when pregnant. Mom jeans. that are 60 bucks a pop for pregnancy. and some lame ass shirts from motherhood. Forever 21 baby!! haha. I fit in my clothes until 5 months. I used the rubberband around my button so I wouldn't have to look like a fool. Oh but I did. I looked like a member from Teen Mom. I looked like a wee little lass knocked up. With what looked like a small alien at 10 weeks. Cute little one at that!! Then You don't buy comfortable bras because your boobs are growing to the size of Mother Russia. Sore, itchy, killing your back! No one tells you that you will love and hate your boobs at the same time.
I was an emotional roller coaster. I cried about rain in Hawaii. Ruined my plans for the beach! I was so mad. I cried. Who cries over rain?! Really?! It rained EVERY SINGLE DAY THERE! I cried during certain songs. Other kids tripping over themselves. Youtube videos of this and that. Love stories... Yes, love stories.
When you are reading some of this book to the baby daddy and you wonder if his penis decided to tuck into his stomach and not come out because of what your va jay jay will look like after birth, or something so beautiful being pushed out a hole the size of a marble.
Birthing Videos.... Oh good god! Hi, no. just no. NEXT!
Laughing so hard you piddle your pants. Yes, My father told me about his first job ever in Cali when he was 16 at a KFC, and I died so hard... I went, Oops. Ran to the bathroom as I am trickling myself. and barely made it to the toilet. I did a couple times. And you don't stop laughing either. Everyone has stopped and you are sitting there snorting like a hog laughing your ass off at something that ended years ago, in a movie scene flashback, jokes, youtube videos, the works!!
Feeling your child move for the first time is not as cute as you think. You are freaked out, WHAT JUST HAPPENED!? Then you realize you felt a butterfly flutter inside and it was your bundle of happiness moving! MOVING?! Yes. moving. And you become enlightened and glowing and telling everyone in the household what just happened.
The rest is pretty much simple, miserable and huge, Ready to push a watermelon out of your va jay jay as you get your 12" needle down your back and a happy button for drugs so you don't feel your child coming out of said hole while you are shaking like you are about to have a seizure because your body is about to go through a huge change and NO ONE TOLD ME THAT!! Then your doctor is cutting you open and going to stitch you back up with a hooked needle. Holding your loved one's hands and pushing, praying you don't poop on the doc's face or on any of the nurses. Oh! and your water breaking is the best feeling of relief ever. Until about a minute later...
You hear that first cry and you start bawling! Happy tears! I was so happy and speechless. I didn't even know what to say. I just said, Hello, Gunner. and held his adorable little hand while his fingers wrapped around my index finger. Passing him back off to the nurses who are bathing him and the sloo of family members that come in there and you don't know if you are still urinating everywhere while the epidural is wearing off. All you want to do is hold your child and everyone is still holding them while everyone is encouraging you to eat and you don't wanna vomit everywhere all over because food is just a NO.
Your RN comes in and baby daddy takes the baby so you can get up and go to the bathroom and attempt this gangster limp thing you have going on because you are swollen, look like your nose is broken, and just dropped 25 pounds... lol. You then sit on the pot with you RN there staring at you making sure you are emptying your bladder and douching yourself with warm water bottle into your stitches and doing this for the next 7 days.
I love my child and everything. I LOVED being pregnant. The summer heat here in OK didn't want me to be the last month of it. I didn't enjoy the random people coming up and touching my belly. No. NEVER EVER DO THAT. EVER.
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