Thanks for making me the way I am. Assholes.

Alrighty then. Momma is gunna write about allllll the relationships I have been in. And how much they sucked at life. But hey, if it wasn't for them. I wouldn't be this incredibly awesome. Let's start with my first real relationship. Guess what! You don't like your names in here. Grow a pair. 

Koger. Yes. This man. On and off forever. This man thought he was being an absolute badass in front of his friends. He would tell me, just walking in the door, to go run out on hefner parkway and get hit by a semi. 15 minutes later, he was kissin my ass. He was screwing women left and right. But each time I was sad, or went through a breakup, needed help with stupid people. This man, was there. He never wanted to meet my parents. Because, his friends told him not to. He was 4 1/2 years older than I. When I was in Hawaii gettin cheated on. He would listen. Hahaha. Some of his past girlfriends, he would call me and ask WTF? yeah. I, amongst some of your friends think the same thing. He is the main reason I don't tolerate much bullshit. He was the first man I loved. 

Tyler- oh good lord almighty. So, I met this guy, I thought he was gay when I first met him. Yes. Still dated him. While I would go on vacation. He would have another girl when I got back. Or, tell people I stalked him. How? School, and work. And you lived 30 minutes away. I don't have time for that. He realized he was a douche nugget when he confessed to cheating. And bawled his eyes out. He is the only person I have slapped across the face. 

Blake. Lasted one year. Lied to me. Went down hill. He was younger. Left me for some ghetto fab black chick. Haha. Then was good friends with my sister. NO. It was a bit awkward being his baseball manager sometimes. haha. 

Trent- lasted a month. I dodged his hit!! He left a dent in the fender of his truck! I paid for our DINNER. He threw a temper tantrum. And tried to hit me. Later that week. He shook me like a damn tag doll. Whiplash anyone? He was effing INSANE!! 

Joel. Oh god. Every single friend in Hawaii still gives me shit. 3 inches shorter. Looks like a douche. Too serious of a marine. Cannot let lose. But dumber than rocks. Cheated on me with a Russain chick. And we broke up! But, I have some of the best friends I can ask for because of this tool bag of stupid. I met my ex husband two weeks later. Well, I was set up with him. Ugh. Both are Stupid. 

Matt- the man I married. Good Jesus. He fooled me. My family. His friends, everyone. Couldn't handle a kid. Had multiple affairs. Couldn't wait for our son and I to leave. Michelle. Margaret. Some chick Josh knew. Doesn't pay child support. Drinks all the time. Strippers, petty things, and booze came before us. Wtf. Yeah, wtf. I had to beg him to spend ten minutes with our son. I would ask if he could watch gunner while I go to the store. Nope. He couldn't do it. He hated it when Gunner would cry. He would get furious. Dude. You're in the navy. Grow up. He would get pissed that I went through his email looking for something from our relator and then I found out some emails, 6 months later, I found even more!! Why did he lie to me for so long? Should have been straight up. He told me, and I quote, "I chose you though". I didn't know you even had a choice! We had VOWS!! You broke them like an OBGYN breaks water. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I regret marrying him when I did. I wanted to wait after his deployment. I wanted to see how he was with our son. Then I wouldn't be in this situation. I mean come on. HOW HARD WAS IT TO SPEND 10 MINUTES WITH YOUR SON WHEN YOU GOT HOME FROM WORK?! IT IS CALLED BONDING TIME. YOU MADE THIS BABY, BE A DAD, NOT A SPERM DONOR. AND PAY YOUR DANG CHILD SUPPORT!! Ugh. I literally could write a novel on this jackass. Every single time I even think about him, I think he is the anti-christ. I get angry. I would love to shove my square toed boot straight up his anus, and hope when I remove thus boot, he shits his pants every single time he walks. I guess, being whipped by this man, and pretty much doing everything he told me to do, going where he sent me, I was in a knew state every 6 weeks with our son. I finally realized back in July how shitty of a husband he was. I would have a beer ready for him when he walked in the door. I would be cooking dinner or have it ready. I would rub his feet after standing watch. I would rub his back, hands, and neck. I would have snacks ready for him while he was playing ps3, and I was tending to our son. Then when Gunner would go to bed, I would be able to finally play, if he didn't cry. Which I would have to shake Matt up on his days off to help with the baby. I got to sleep in once! He would help with Gunner maybe 6 times all together. 20 days of leave and he held gunner asleep while I was getting diapers, bottles, stumbling in the middle of the night. Then shove a pillow over his head. Let's quote more emails. I am not happy with her or the baby. I regret getting her pregnant sometimes. GO FUCK YOURSELF. GUNNER IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME. SHIT, YOU WERE GLOWING AND CRYING LIKE I WAS THE DAY HE WAS BORN. THOUGHT YOU WERE READY, 6 WEEKS LATER YOU STARTED CHEATING. IGNORING ME FOR DAYS ON END. I had SURGERY. I had my GALLBLADDER taken out, where was an I love you, phone call or text? Oh, none. But you could skype Michelle and tell her how you two were going to get a house in SC and you were about to fly her out, when we weren't there. WHAT THE HELL. DUDE. YOU ARE 27. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I literally hate this man. HATE. I wish he would just be a dad. 

Now, I spoil men. Treat them well. I would spoil em at Christmas. Birthdays. Randomly. Cook dinner for their families. Or them. Bake constantly. Do whatever. Massage their backs and feet after a long day at duty. I'm actually really nice. I just think some of my exes are stupid. Or just shouldn't breathe and reproduce. I try my damnedest to make people happy. Will do anything for them. Yet, I get fucked over. Always. Just remember dates of importance. It shouldn't be that hard. Lol I think some men truthfully don't know what to do when women treat them so well. They freak out. And want to be treated like assholes. So, after every breakup like every woman does, we put them on blast. and call them DUMB ASSES. Most of them will never grow up. They won't settle down. They won't find any girl that treats em good, because they will stick it in anything that moves. 

I do NOT get the point of cheating. If you want to cheat, leave. Plain and simple. I have never once cheated on someone. I don't get why people do. I stayed true to my vows the 18 months Matthew and I spent apart. He couldn't. Some of his so called "friends" knew he was cheating. Thanks for the 411 guys!! I am so much happier being away from him. Being free. Having a stable and loving family for Gunner. I think, I have learned so much from every relationship. You cannot trust anyone right away. ;) 

What are some shitty relationships YOU'VE been in?!

Your face, yeah, I like that shit.

Ah, last minute christmas shopping online. After a long day of car shopping... and my son screaming while getting his hair cut....  I was runnin on 45 minutes of sleep! Lord have mercy. I am badass. Super mom. Then, I passed out on the couch for a good couple hours. haha. 

Men, Military men. had this conversation today. Your damn hot. HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELVES IN UNIFORM?! Drool, grovel, whatever. Then when that uniform comes off, you speak, and I lose interest in looking. And for christ sake if I hear one more MARINES or NAVY commercial... I will go crazy.. "a global force for good" haha. uhh, no. I was married to a sailor. Today, I told him, sometimes I wish I could punch him the nuts and be on my way. He talks to me like I'm 6. First off, you dumbass. You are JUST now sending our son's shit, and behind on child support. Secondly, selling the yukon does not count for child support. Lastly, you say you miss Gunner and I? How about checking on your son more than once every 3 months. That would be a plus. Also, Every single time I see your name pop up on my phone, I think I am dealing with the anti-christ. I seriously think you are Satan. Now, you and one of the home wreckers go on your merry way. Michelle Spaulding. I hate your face. I hope you slip on a patch of ice, and seriously injure yourself. :) Thanks for making me realize I was with an unfaithful dicknozzle. 

OH! Christmas shopping. I never ever wanna wait last minute. I'd have more money in the bank if I didn't. haha. I'm a cheap ass. I like to have money in my account. I save save save! Shit, I wanna go to Hawaii, and see my bestest friend, KRISTIE! Holy balls. The amount of hell we would raise :) Just on a beach during the day next to some over weight tourist. and LAUGH our asses off :) I'm sorry, they should definitely stop making bikinis at a certain size. If your ass cheek looks like 9 raccoons wrestling in a bag of feed corn. NO TO THE BIKINI! I am sorry, if you are 390 pounds you do not need to be wearing one. Glad you have the confidence to, I, among 95% of the island do not wanna see that. I think my son would run and cry to me and think it was a monster. Or this case, Jabba the Hut wanting his food, not money. food. 

It's really lonely around this time of year. I really get into a scrooge mode in my head. If you cannot tell by my words up above. I literally hate not having someone to cuddle with when it is cold. To spoil during the holidays. Bake cookies for and make em fat :) Actually, any baked goodies for that matter. I am actually a sweetie. with a huge heart. I just hate stupid, ignorant, dumbasses. Most people do. Okay, everyone does. I just want someone who can be an idiot with me, has the smartass attitude. As tall, or taller than I. Loves being cooked for, and spoiled, who will be happy happy happy. Doesn't mind I have a kid. Don't mind watching movies or playing video games. from Borderlands to COD to Mass Effect.  Just kicking ass. Nerdy. And sexy. Oh, tattoos are a plus. TATTOOS ARE SEXY. 

Hmmm, that's all I gotta say, JACK!

Here's a midol, those cramps are crazy. But, here's a bright side... It's not a baby.

I am not gunna lie, I saw that E-card and I DIED laughing. I showed it to one of my other assistants I work with. Thought how hilarious and true it was for some women these days. I for one do not want nor need another baby any given time soon!! I am completely content with one toddler :) Who is oh so sweetly laying down in his bed. :) HIGH FIVE!! I got my son to SLEEP IN HIS BED AGAIN!! :) all night. 

So, I work in a hospital... I clean people who have soiled themselves. I have been thrown up on. I have had to deal with some nurses who are angry at the world every single day. You don't like your job? move on. I have met some of the sweetest people ever. I have also met some of the most crazy people ever. I have also had my heart break for some of the patients and their families. It has to be hard. Seeing a loved one dying in front of your eyes. I don't like  that housekeeping makes like 2 dollars more than I do. That's just a whole mess of What The FUCK.

I do enjoy my other assistants. We have talked about sex, men, tattoos, guys we were into and thought what hell were we thinking. One of the girls I work with has gone through what I have. Got married at 20 had a kid. Then he did her wrong. Cheated on her. Didn't want to be that much of a father. Hey, sound familiar...? SAME EXACT STORY with what happened to me!! It's been 6 months and he still refuses to send our son's stuff. I swear. He fooled us all. My whole family and I never thought this would happen. So, to SC. I go to pick my shit up :) 

Now, I was wanting to be an RN. I don't think I could do it. Micro-expressionism and law enforcement? Sexy Cop? Nah... Just entirely badass.  Lie to me. I'd catch ya.  :) haha. 

Oh, so I have dropped a lovely 10 pounds in two weeks! Let's talk about sexiness right there. 19 pounds to go! Then Aloha Hawaii!! Cannot wait to go see all my friends and have a damn blast. It will be absolutely a-fucking mazing. Booze cruises and all. I'm on a boat!! :) Be jealous my friends. :)

Stop playing with your dingy...

Alright, this lovely afternoon I got a text message from one of my guy friends asking when I start work. I told him the 15th, and this week i have a physical and orientation. He replies "I'll give you a good physical". I don't respond back. I screen shot the messages and send it to Kristie going WTF? First off. MEN. That is NOT cute. I will not like you, be interested, want you, or anything along those lines. Secondly, you should know by now, I just don't sleep with anyone. Sorry, I have had a bunch of guys bounce because I won't put out. Put your big boy pants on and respect a woman. Sex isn't my number one priority.  SORRY DUDES! Then, Kristie and I got to talking about men, and if we were men for a day, what we would do!!

1. I would have a twig and berries:     I'm sorry, I would LOVE to know what it is like peeing standing up without squatting over a toilet seat. If I was wasted, all I gotta do is whip it out and piddle! Drunk women attempt to squat. Or just sit, every 5 minutes. Hell, you can go in a bottle on a road trip like some Dumb & Dumber action!! HAHA!!
2. Sex.
     I would LOVE to know what it feels like to you guys. haha. Sad, I know, but I would want to know what my ex husband raved about. It's great as a girl. I did get pregnant from thus ex husband after all.... I would have the jizz in my pants face and all. I mean, I am only going to be a man for a day. I would want to know what is so mind blowing for ya'll. Watch the Jenna Marbles video on youtube about what us women think about during sex. It's pretty spot on.. haha.

3. Just act like a douche. 
    Break some hearts. Get in fights. Try and show my raging biceps from hell.

4. Take your mother out for a nice steak dinner and never call her back.
     Anchorman, anyone? I would be back as a woman the following day.... haha I am horrible. I just wanna be the major scrotum sucking, fucktarded male I have always encountered in my life! :)

5. yeah, that's about it. I don't think I have a number 5.... hahah

People Watching should be an Olympic sport.

The Oklahoma State Fair. I feel like one of the skinniest people there. I don't have rolls, not one single one. I have some curves. I am happy with those. I am just gunna say. I think there are about 900+ earthquakes happening at the fair. Each time one of those 500+ pound people walk by, I feel the earth shake. Actually, 90% of them are in motorized scooters or chairs and double fisting corndogs. First off, I haven't had fair food in about 6 years. I haven't gone since I was a sophomore in HS. Tonight, that is going to change! I am going to chow down on a funnel cake, rootbeer, and possibly a turkey leg. If I have room after the funnel cake. DESSERT before protein. YUP!! These 10 days outta the year of creepy ass carnies that hit on me. UGH, ya'll put me in the worst mood. I love the livestock, showroom of cars, the made in OK exhibit. Not scary rides that I have to pray to God that, I do not die on a ride that is put up in less than a week and then taken down and travelled across the country in some shitty ass semi. I am completely fine without wanting to die. I will shove my face with delicious food. Then possibly not eat again for a week. Now, when Sarah and I went for about an hour and a half with my son, Gunner. We walked around. Well, barely. It was PACKED. So, we left. I did like the Vodka Lemonade Slushies they were handin out. Thank you very much. I downed that lovely little thing in about ten seconds. I was giving death glares through my aviators at carnies who were lookin at my camo bag and saying, lord that's sexy. To Sarah, it was, I will Thunder Up with you any day. Hey, you toothless, 40 year old freak... GO AWAY. First off, bless your heart. Dental work is amazing. Trust me. Shit, even George Washington, had teeth, yeah, wooden ones. AT LEAST HE HAD SOMETHING THERE!! 

Even when they interview people here when tornadoes hit through. I face palm epically. This is how it goes:
News reporter: How grateful are you that you are alive? Even though your house is destroyed...
Person: Well, my brother/cousin/husband said to get in the shelter. We did, and we heard somethin that sounded like a freight train. It reminded me of the movie Twister, when people were hidin out. And the Aunt almost died and her house collapsed....

FIRST OFF, YOU SOUND FUCKING RETARDED. SECONDLY, YOU GIVE OKIES A HORRIBLE NAME. LASTLY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. 

Walmart, All because it zips does NOT means it fits. Lingerie is not acceptable in public. If you have big boobs, please wear a bra in public. Leggings are for average sized people. Spandex is scary. The 80's are calling. If your thighs are the size of two raccoons wrestling in a bag of feed corn, NO. DO NOT WEAR THEM. 

I know everyone people watches! :)

Dicknozzles...

DEADBEAT DADS.

If you think sending money every two weeks makes you a father. YOU ARE NOT. You're a sperm donor. A real father comes to his birthday parties. Will spend time with their child either via skype, phone call, parks, zoos, even a movie at home. Mommy dearest shouldn't have to blow up your phone to ask for you to talk or acknowledge your kid. It's pathetic. You should check on your child every single day. Asking how they are doing. My son had whooping cough. I was freaking out!! You know what I got from his dad? An "he doesn't have it." How would HE know? Then I called him when he got diagnosed with it, and he said, "oh, okay, well how do you feel?" I was bawling my eyes out. I just heard the doctor say, I know he has only been coughing for about 5 hours, but if you waited a couple more days he could be in the ICU or it could kill him. I was an emotional wreck. He didn't even send his son's crap he has been lacking on since JUNE!! JUNE! He needs his shoes, his toys. Nope, but going to the bar and spending money there is more convenient. -_- His mom and I have been on his ass constantly. I have contacted his CO and his Master Sgt. TWICE!! No call back. Jackasses. My son needs his hoodies. Parts to his crib. His shoes. Toys. Oh, and my 200 bucks from his friend that bought my mattress and box spring. I am now sleeping on my old bed from when I was 2. Thanks Wernecke. You douche. Also, if you think holding your kid for five minutes a day, buying diapers, or formula makes you a father. hahaha!!!!! Then I am Paula Deen because I can cook with butter and boil water...A FATHER is a man who will come home hold their kid after working a long day at work, feeding, baths, and other stuff. Offer mommy to sleep in and spend quality time with them. I'm sorry. We wake up so you can sleep through the night! On your days off, that changes. You help get up. Seeing your son or daughter a couple weeks or days outta the year because it is convenient for you. But you sleep all day, or have the grandparents take care of the kid makes you a deadbeat as well. Ignoring your wife, baby momma, or anything because you hate them does not mean you should use your child against them. Don't be mad at your kids. They haven't done anything. Most don't even know what way is up yet. If a bar sounds amazing to you and you need that money for food for baby or impulse buys seem more important than your child. I will stare at you like WTF? Your child comes first. 

Shit, my parent's lived in some run down apartment in Anaheim when I was little. It was small, AC went out, Lola, the landlord, was insane. We moved here to Oklahoma when I was 2. They busted their asses to get to where we are now. Nice things can wait until you know you can afford it. My mom and dad are still married. Just as badass as ever. Work for nice things. Gave us trips all over the country when growing up. I had an amazing childhood. I have seen over half of this country. I want to take Gunner to Disneyworld when he is five. For his birthday. I might be a single mom now, but I bust my ass for this kid. I mean I am about to start 12 hour shifts at the hospital just to make him have everything he needs in life. I love him. Top Gun is my world. How could you NOT love his face?

What irks you? Give me some topics to talk about. Trust me. I have my thoughts on em. :)

Jack Daniels, you are the only man that will never upset me.

Okay, so Saturday I went to the OU game. :) We won 69-13. BADASS!! My ex husband sent me into anxiety attack mode on Sunday evening. Monday, I went to the AFB, and my attorney :) Why is divorce so much money? It was only like 200 to get married... Which brings me to the topic of stupid people!! 

YES!! Stupid people!! For all I know it could be you. Probably is. Don't care.

1. Drivers.
I cannot drive without getting the slightest bit of road rage. I'm sorry. I like to drive the speed limit or a bit over when I have my wee one in the back seat staring out of the window looking at all the cars and stupid people. If you pull out in front of me while I am going 55 and you are going that speed as well I expect you to maintain that speed or even faster. Not the speed of a fucking tortoise. My mud tires would look AMAZING over your shit 92 buick. When I lived in Hawaii, lets get about 600,000 Asian drivers who cannot drive and go 35 in their 60 mph speed limits on the H3. If I am trying to get to Kaneohe, Kailua or anything. I am not going to take the Like Like. That shit is just as bad or WORSE. OH! Which brings me to my next subject on you idiots. IF it is SPRINKLING. Do NOT slam on your breaks!! I don't want to rear end you. I don't want to slam on mine. I want to keep truckin along singing some Luke Bryan while shaking my upper body to his music. Luke Bryan, I will shake it for you. Plus some. Anyways, How about dumb ass drivers who try and get over while on their cellphones talking or texting not paying attention. SCREW YOU. I have my son in my car. I do not mind getting out and kicking your ass for the safety of my child if need be.

2. Cheating douche bags.
Men, when you cheat on women with other women that look like Jabba the Hut or a fucking hobbit. All sorts of ugly. You are throwing a rock in with a diamond. Emailing or texting other women certain things like I can't wait to see you. I will leave her and we can be together is CHEATING. You emotional cheating dicknozzles. It's happened to me a couple times. Two ex's have done it. Hence why they are ex's. Or straight up having sex, kissing, holding hands, fooling around. I should hit you. In the back of your mind we are there waving at you. We treat you so good. Yet you think with your wrong head. Make a "mistake". MISTAKE?! Sorry, your twig doesn't just magnetically go into a cooch or slip right on in. I have been cheated on by every single guy. I literally would love to get you all in a room and say you're dumb. A couple of it know it too. I have had way too many of my girls come to me thinking the same thing. WTF. All because we don't put out when you want it. Doesn't mean we are bad. GUYS you have a hand. USE that in your relationship.

3. Cheating whores.
Women, you give us bad names. When I was living in Hawaii. There was this girl I was living with. When her husband went to train for Afghanistan, she decided it was cute to have some other marine stay the night with her while she passed out next to him in a shirt and undergarments. My friend, Heather literally had to put me aside to not kick her ass. Or talk me out of it with her sitting right there TALKING ABOUT IT. I heard her husband left her!! THANK GOD. Some of the USS Charlotte wives.... I stood away from you all for a reason. I would literally be standing off in a corner by myself. Not wanting to associate myself with you. Every single time her husband went out to sea. She would be going to a bar and screwing some young 21 year old military member to "get back" at him. I think my ex husband enjoyed that I didn't talk to any of the wives. He knew I would tell them they are sluts and to go jump into the harbor. 

4. Bad parents.
OOOH MY GOD. If you go out when your child is 1-2 years old every Thursday-Sunday evening and do not see your child for more than about an hour every one of those days.... I hate you... You are a part time mom. Let's go to the club. Let's go get shit faced wasted where I have no idea what is going on and go home with random guys!! First off, you have no respect for your bodies. Secondly, you can have fun without getting drunk. It's true. Spend time with your kids, watch a movie. It's cool to go out like once twice a month or every couple months. If you are a single mom doing everything yourself. And stress is killing you. If you have help. You are just being stupid. Don't pawn your child off at your parents. Do NOT drive with your kids WITHOUT a car seat. Even if it is half a block from your house. You don't know who will be speeding. A drive by. Someone can t-bone you out of their driveway. Your kids come first. 

5. Ditzy girls/Wanna be's
Like oh my god, Becky, look at her butt. Shut up. You can talk without using the high pitched valley girl voice. Also, you can talk without using the word like every other word. Or girls who say I'm too country for this. I got dirt on me. Excuse me? What? First off, country is a way of life. The way you respect people. You say ma'am or sir. You respect your elders. Wearing boots one night a week at a bar is not country. I wear my slipper shoes or boots. That's actually pretty much all I have. Also, you don't have to wear camo, plaid, or a huntin shirt to be country. You can wear a zoo york shirt for all I care. My boots are covered in mud, have holes on my soles. Forever 21 is not where you get cowboy boots. Go to a real store like Teners, Sheplers, or Langstons. Goodness. Those are boots. Secondly, If you are dancing in a short ass dress with your ass hangin out, lookin like your doin the deed on the dance floor, YOU HAVE NO CLASS. Cover yourself up. If you talk like you are in a sorority. Like oh my god, you're like so freakin cute, like I cannot even believe like how like your like cute. SHUT UP!! 

That pretty much sums it up right now. :) 

Man: I feel like I need to kiss you. Girl: Sometimes I feel like I should do crystal meth. Then I think... Eh, I'd rather not.

So I was watching the VMA's last night while trying to put my son to bed... I am going to talk about how horrible "music" is today. First off, Nicki Minaj... WTF. When you do thi-i-i-i-sssss You sound like an idiot. What is that word vomit coming out of your mouth? You say it's music. I say it sounds like cats getting hit by an 18 wheeler. You cannot rap for a rats ass. Lil Wayne and 2 chains? WTF. Let's say cuss words that are bleeped out every other second!! Rap is whack. I could rap. Pinup is sexy. My red lips are poppin... yeah, I cannot rap. N***a this N***a that. Fuck. Shit. Damn. Suck my dick! Look I MADE A SONG!! haha. You have like 6 producers. You can't write better material than repeating the same line 90 times?! 

Then you have Chris Brown and Aubrey "Drake". DEGRASSI anyone?! PUT YOUR DAMN FUED about Rihanna behind you. CB, you beat women, Drake, you're still in a wheelchair from 8th grade. She doesn't need any of you idiots. She could get anyone and goes for ya'll?!  Please. I could be a better mate for her if I was a lesbian. 

Green Day. You should at the American Idiot Album. Not going to lie. That music on that album was actually pretty good. You're like 48 now. Billie Joel Armstrong, you're hot and all. But I would have NOT told people to come in and attack me. I want his shirt. Bitch, you're about to get hit with my guitar. GET OFF. 

Pink, I LOVE HER. God, she is gorgeous. She has some lungs on her, and can be a badass mom all at the same time. The lips freaked me out a bit. But that's your style. Best performance of the evening. I swear. 

Taylor Swift. I am going to do the biggest face palm ever. YOU ma'am, bless your heart. You are what? 23? Please for the love of God STOP WRITING ABOUT THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER. You're out of HS. Stop telling someone you love them in 24 hours. Maybe you'd have a relationship that'll last. Also, you classifying yourself as country.... YOU'RE POP!! FAR FROM COUNTRY!! If you wrote about stuff like Gretchen Wilson, Miranda Lambert, Martina McBride. Maybe you'd have awesome material. You were cute when I was a sophomore in HS. Your first CD was cute. 10 ALBUMS LATER. IT GETS OLD. I MEAN COME THE HELL ON. Dress your AGE!! 23!! Not 16!! I was waiting for Kanye to come on and be like you still suck ass. 

Boy bands... BACKSTREET BOYS, NSYNC, & HANSON. The only boy bands that were acceptable. It just seems weird now. Give me some Nick Carter. I feel like dancin to Larger Than Life. Just saying. 

Ke$ha, you look blown outta your mind. Your rich. Who cares. I don't listen to your shit anyways.

Kevin Hart. I'm taller than him. He's hilarious. I don't want to. I wanna go home. Pineapples. Pineapples. I love his comedy. When he dressed as a leprechaun. MADE MY NIGHT!! Keep doin what you're doin short man.

Let's talk about real music. 
Queen, ACDC, The Ramones, Blake Shelton, Jason and the Scorchers, Luke Bryan, Old Crow Medicine Show, Metallica, KISS, GREAT MUSIC. Just to name a few. AMAZING. No cussing every second. Can actually play a show. Can actually write music. MUSIC. MTV what happened to music?! Really. Reality shows about sluts and dicknozzles?! Please. Make me famous. I can make music then. Just put me in the Pistol Annies. :) 

Music sucks now a days. I am going to listen to some of the Man in Black. He was and will always be amazing.

Pour me 'nother one.

I have been so stressed lately. I think with my son being in the ER for whooping cough. had a week break and is now sick again. He cannot catch a break. My baby boy! Looking for a job in the hospital. Trying to figure out a money situation to get out of my parents that I had to move back into after I got a divorce. Woo Hoo. My truck's compressor is on the fritz. I literally want to just scream sometimes. I keep on keepin on. My son can put a smile on my face in an instant. Even when he driving me crazy!! I love my kid. There are a select few who can put smiles on my faces. They lately have been there for me to vent and listen to me when I need it.

Friends and Family are everything!! Friends do come and go and so do relationships. Family is your blood, no matter how mad you get at them being stupid... they will always be your family. Family has been there for you since birth. When Top Gun and I were in Cali last September-October, my family there did so much for us. Let us stay with them, go with them to places so we weren't piss ass bored. Family is the best. My brother, sister, and parents here do so much for my son and I. Especially since my divorce. I could never thank my parents enough for letting us move back in. Take care of us. And to let me get on my feet. I am standing strong. I literally am the happiest I have been in over a year. Even when the stress gets to me. I still smile. I have a pinup photo shoot here in a couple weeks. That will be an absolute blast. Last time was amazing!! I LOVED it!! We did military, rockabilly, cowgirl. :) That literally is something I LOVE to do. I love the 20s-50s style. I swear I was born then in another life. 

I literally am just rambling on about nothing in this blog post. Which is fine. Tomorrow I think I will write about love. How it hurts, and makes you happy. What I have encountered in life so far. How my son is love to me. But for now, I need to sleep. Before my son wakes up around 1-8 times tonight. If he woke up just once I would be absolutely ecstatic! G'night ya'll!! 

I pledge my allegiance to the CRIMSON & CREAM!!

I LOVE OU FOOTBALL!! It's finally here!! I am so stoked!! I do talk a lot of shit when it is football season. I HATE texas. texas SUCKS!! I do not capitalize the T in texas at all. Why? They are a horrible team. The reason why the Big 12 split up. The reason why I talk a lot of shit during football season! 55-17. last year's score. Remember that you dumb longhorns? You look like a uterus. Ovaries and all. They pick fights CONSTANTLY at the Red River Rivalry. So would I... well, if i had at least one beer, then I could blame it on alcohol. They are the classiest of all breeds... haha! NOT. Almost EVERYONE in Oklahoma HATES texas. Even OSU fans.

So, I am going to talk about men and women during football season....

Men. I love your enthusiasm during football season.

Women there are two types of you. Awesome ones who enjoy watching it. Then there are annoying, nagging women.

Awesome women: cheer on the team, scream at the tv or field, either love or hate their man's team and either cheer with them, or against them saying their team is better, make a huge football snacking party for their husband's friends and their own, and supply beer when getting low. Usually men never leave the tv, or acknowledge anything around them! :)

Stupid women: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DRAMA OR WHY YOUR MAN IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU! IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON. DO NOT DRAG HIM TO TAKE YOU ON A DATE, HE ENJOYS FOOTBALL. LET HIM WATCH IT!!

Which brings me to my NEXT topic. Women, if your man enjoys to take joy rides in his truck/car, drink with his buddies, watch sports. LET HIM. They listen to your bad day stories, they put up with our time of the month, they put it up with our pregnancies, child birth, and much more. MEN, better be ready for a rollercoaster of hormones during pregnancy, periods, and child birth. My ex was trying to make jokes while my epidural was going in my back. NOT CUTE. If your girl wants to go shopping so she won't kill you, let her. Women, do not go psycho bitch on him for any reason. I wanted to eat here! THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT TIME!! No need for a temper tantrum. The world will not end!! Men, if you don't like that place, TOLERATE it. You are a human garbage disposal. Shit, I am too. I just hate steak and chicken kabobs for dinner!! YUMMY! I love food. I don't do diets very long. I have issues with loving some Eischen's every now and again. JD... I swear that is where the most of my weight goes whenever I do decide to get out of the house. haha.  

I hate my phone, stupid 3GS. yes. they haven't made this phone since like April of 2010. It won't connect to anything. I've been due for an upgrade since LAST August!! I need to get on the giddy up. Now to finish watching OU kick some ass :)

For the sake of all things holy, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!

So tonight I am going to write about relationships. Thank you Matt B. for giving me this topic.

Women, you devilish, crazy women!! I cannot fathom how stupid you make us normal ones look! You cannot have two men, cannot have sex with multiple men. You slutbags. I want to slap you in the face with how much you disrespect your bodies. Please for the love of god take it slow, converse with one another, have a couple dates, wait until you are in love, and then maybe, give in. Just don't jump on the crazy train. Also, don't go psycho all because he didn't text you that day, and blow up his phone because he probably was working, sleeping, or too busy to care about his phone. If you're married, that might be a different story, check in once and a while, but don't go nuts. I can literally count on my hand how many chick friends that I have. I think because they are one of the guys, like myself.

MEN, don't toy with our emotions. If you want a relationship, then don't the next day, or because we won't put out on the first date, or second, and want to wait, and that isn't cool for you, get the hell out of my way. Actually, I should remove your man card. YOU are not a man, you are a douchebag, or in this case a DICKNOZZLE. I have had so many guys tell me they will not date me all because I am patient, and want to wait to have sex, and won't put out as soon as they want. I won't send you naked pictures, Go check out a porn site, she will help you there. Nothing wrong with porn, I mean, go ahead watch it, get turned on, it isn't making me jealous. I've been to strip clubs, I've seen my share of XXX videos. Eh, not my cup of tea. The company is nice though. haha.

A good relationship in my eyes. Share interests, enjoy my kid, be a redneck like I! haha. Let me cook for you, massage your feet, neck, shoulders, back and so forth. Let me have dinner and a beer ready for you when you get home from work. I'll give you your space, if you give me mine. Go on little dates. Play video games, cuddle all that crap. 

Now I know Disney put it in every little girls mind that you will fall in love in about 24-72 hours and be married in about a week to a month after meeting. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE disney movies!! Sleeping Beauty and The Princess and the Frog are my FAVORITE princess movies!! :) Oh, the notebook, and all that mushy crap. NO it does not exist. Nor will it ever. When it does, strike me with lightning. I have NEVER seen that happen EVER. High five for being cheated on by every man I have been with, because they couldn't handle all my awesomeness. I'm too kindhearted and pretty for that crap!! I have a black hole where my heart used to be.. I think.

I know I am missing some stuff, but eh, I will write again. haha. Maybe tomorrow I will put my favorite recipes on here, so women who cannot cook, will cook for their man!!

I'm awesome. That's all you need to know!

Alrighty then, I'm Kylie, I live in Oklahoma, I'm what my dad calls the redneck of the family. I have an awesome son. I was married at one point. Reasons why I am writing this blog is to:

Rant, give women recipes, talk about daily crap, and etc.

I love cars, racing, hunting, fishing, big trucks, country music, two steppin, beer, Jack Daniels, taking my son to the zoo, spending time with my son, pinup, camo, high heels, cowboy boots, all 5 pair of em, traveling, mud boggin, off roadin, bullshitting with my friends, & breaking hearts. I know how to be a lady and how to be serious, but I love to joke around and be the smartass that I am.

I have the worst obsession with Blake Shelton, not stalker crazy, but have you ever heard him, or seen that man? Well, it's like he was carved from God himself. Lord have mercy on my soul, that man... MMMMMMM

I am a Nursing Assistant, striving for my RN/BSN. Smarts are sexy, if you look like you were born and bred in the bayou, and you cannot talk to save a life, be on your merry way, I know what I like in a man, and what I want in thus said man. As in,

Please be a man's man, if I have to show you how to even change your own oil in your own car, I might as well stare into the abyss and wonder about life. Chest hair to me is a turn on, ya have it, I like it. I like men that are taller than me! TALLER! I'm taller than the average male. I'm 5'11". I like a man who I can play PS3 with and kick some ass at COD. I am AMAZING. I don't care if you have a $60,000 car, please take care of yourself and your home. I DO NOT care if you live in a van down by the river, just have it tidy. A man who will converse with me, and socially drink, have some friends over for football, and watch me cheer on OU. Yes, I love the Sooners!! Kickoff is Saturday, I have been counting down the days. Please do not mind that I have a mouth like a sailor as well, I try my hardest not to curse in front of my child. Yet, it happens.


Now that you know who I am, hold on to your knickers, it going to be a blast!